I Only Wanted To Buy a Mattress

By ED Nobody

“GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Bellowed a rather loud, quite annoying voice that filled the entire store.

It took my attention for just a moment, for I actually glanced over to where it had come from; to find a rather ugly man. Now this man may not be qualified as ugly by many people on earth, but I am not like many people on earth.

I turned away before I truly took in his appearance, because frankly I didn’t care.

Unfortunately he continued to speak.

“I am glad to see everyone here today, glad you could make it.” I frowned, did he just say the exact same thing, just in different words in the same sentence? I hate people like that, he sounds like some show host on tv.

“Oh my goodness is that Jake Talass?” I heard a girl squeal and run past me. Probably the only other customer in the store. Who on earth is Jake Talass? Unfortunately I turned my attention back on the man in unwelcome curiosity.

The man had dark hair heavily gelled and slicked up and back. I believe that is one of the reasons I found him so unbearable to look at, for I truly hate when people do that with their hair. He also had an incredibly stupid grin on his face… which I immediately hated.

Something that I noticed this time was the other people around him, there were at least three different camera men filming him in strategic places in the store. A man held a microphone on a long pole just over the Jake guys head. Looked to be the most people ever in the shop.

Was this some sort of reality tv show? Because I hate those. I shook my head, as long as they didn’t bother me, I decided I wouldn’t care about it. And just like that I blocked his loud voice out as I made my way through the shop full of mattresses.

Now I do not mind those store helper people, but I do not like people talking to me first. If I wanted to speak with you I’d let you know!

Well apparently this store employee, didn’t know how I felt about human interaction. He walked up with a friendly smile, and asked if I needed any help. Before I could even answer, he began to make conversation with me!

“You looked a little lost, I just thought I’d make sure you didn’t need anything.” The employee said, his name tag reading Marccc with C’s. Which was bothering me. It wasn’t just a C, it was three c’s; M A R C C C. Before I could make a snarky comment about the name he went on about the store.

“We care about our customers here at The Sleeping Princess after all.”


“And we want to make your experience here the best it can be sir.”

“Great, I-”

“Now what exactly are you looking for. We have many different types of mattresses available in our store. ANy particular model you’re searching for?” He smiled looking at me expectantly this time, but I let the silence stretch, opting to glare darkly into his eyes. Slowly he began to become more and more uncomfortable, “did, did I offend you in some way….” he asked timidly.

“Oh are you going to let me speak now?” I asked, “well first off, no I don’t need any help, second why on earth would your parents think that three c’s was a good idea, and third never interrupt me-” but, once again I was interrupted, just not by Marccc this time.

“Why, hello my friend.” an arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into a side hug. I gritted my teeth, and glared at the person who dared invade my personal space. “I am not-” I began to say cooly. But he didn’t let me finish, as he asked me, “so tell me, what’s your name and why you’re here.”

“Well seeing that this is a mattress store which is literally only full of mattresses, I would say I’m shopping for an elephant.” I replied, with a very fake, sarcastic smile, as I slowly removed his arm from my shoulder, ignoring the camera in my face.

But for some unfathomable reason the show host did not catch any of my hostility. Perhaps I was being to suttle. But I think it is more likely the man was just dense.

He laughed, at least I believe he was trying to slide it off as a laugh, he actually said “Hahahaha. Very comedic aren’t you? But really we are trying out a new show about interesting places and the people there and this is the first place we chose-” this time I cut him off.

“You chose a mattress store as interesting?”

“Yes, we thought it was very interesting, the sleeping princess, is solely for mattresses and we looked at many other stores and places but-”

“Wait,” A smirk crossed over my face as a laughed a little, “you could have chosen anywhere else in this city and you choose a mattress store?”

“Ah, actually we had access to the whole country and-” This was too much for I laughed obnoxiously at this information, anywhere in the USA and this man chose a small mattress store?

“Seriously?” I gasped, shaking my head,

Finally, the host seemed to understand that I wasn’t the nicest of people, “what? I just… What are you saying The Sleeping Princess is very interesting.” He attempted a defence, “I mean, what kind of store only sells mattresses and the name itself it’s iconic.”

“Iconic?” I laughed, shaking my head, sometimes humans are just so dumb it’s funny.

With that I turned and left because I didn’t want anything to do with the show and I still had to buy a mattress.  

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